My psychic advisor suggested I stay home today...and he's never been wrong before

Bob Geldof sang it best, but on Sundays, after an awesome weekend with Emma and Mark I find myself looking for excuses to miss work on a Monday. I hate Mondays. And I know if Tuesdays became Mondays then I'd hate Tuesdays too...

Below is a list of some funny excuses for not being at work. Use them (at your own peril)

I forgot to take in the Sunday paper, so after initially leaving the house I thought it was Sunday. By the time I had realized that it was in fact Monday, it wasn't worth coming in

I had a smash and grab and the bastards stole my make-up bag - i might have used this one before...

My psychic advisor suggested I stay home today...and he's never been wrong before

I was locking the door as I left for work when the key snapped in the lock, meaning that I had to call and wait for a locksmith to change the locks - who never turned up

I now have the high score on every single one of the games that come free with Windows 7, there is no point in me coming in until somebody else in the office beats me

I'm waiting to harvest  my crop on Farmville. I don't have access to the internet at work so I thought I'd stay home and get that done

My five year old son told me that there is a monster under my bed, and I'm not getting out until it goes away

Remember when the dog used to eat your homework almost every week? Well my dog just ate my car keys

My favourite goldfish died today, I'm just too devastated to.....*start crying at this point*

If you are already void of any pride or dignity, or really this desperate for a day off, apparently one of the most effective excuses is....... "I shat myself on the bus"-  Expect confidentiality policies to fly out of the window however.

My boobs are sore after my recent breast enlargement, I need to stay at home at massage them regularly - once again don't expect this to remain confidential

I'm feeling extremely lethargic today, are you sure you want me to come in?

I lost my last R20 playing the Lotto and don't have any money left for the bus. I will sign up to some free bet offers today and try and win my bus money back for tomorrow

I..... I...... I've..... I'm..... I am...... Look i just can't fucking handle coming to work today, okay?

Sorry I can't come to work for a few days, we're trying for a baby and the doctor said that this week is our best chance of conception

I'm upset because my favourite SA Idol contestant was voted off (believe it or not, this one has actually been used) 

I'm tired and want to rest so that I can enjoy the staff party tonight  (and, this one is real too).

The radio told me that there could be traffic jams this morning, I didn't want to help make everybody else late for work

I contracted mono after kissing a mail room intern at the company holiday party, and I suggest the company post some sort of notice to warn others who may have kissed him (yup, has been used before)

I thought I was taking my birth control pill this morning and accidentally took a sleeping tablet,  now I am all over the place and am afraid I will fall asleep at the wheel of my car - try not to use this one if you've used the conception one recently

I think my dog has eaten my only pair of shoes, I can't leave the house without shoes

My child likes to play 'hide the car keys' in the morning

I had sex with a member of the cleaning staff and am now too embarrassed to come in

I dreamt that I was fired for being late, so I didn't get out of bed

My kids are locked outside

My kids are locked inside

I have to pick on my kids

The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come

The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come

The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up

My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony

My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of the above one)

My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today

My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today

My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today

My support hose popped

I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue

My biological clock is ticking

My biological clock has stopped ticking and I have to take it in for a service

I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother

I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister

I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother

I have to take my mother to the doctor

I have to take my minister to the doctor

I have to take my doctor to my minister

I think I left the iron on

I think I left the water on

I have to get my contact lenses fitted

I have to get my hearing aid adjusted

I have to get my big toe calibrated

I need to give blood

I need to give evidence

I need to give up

I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party

I’m going to my best friend’s wedding

I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return

I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested

I’m going to the bank

I’m going to sleep

I’m going over the edge

A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital

A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor

A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo

I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer

I’m breaking in my shoes

I’m breaking up with my boyfriend

I’m breaking out