The Alphabet according to toddlers

A is for angel...you can't get cross or frustrated or annoyed with me. I'm an angel and I can prove this cos I hear you telling everyone just that

B is for butt...my brother's a butthead, my sister's a buttface, your breath smells like a butt (Butt is also interchangeable with 'Poop' or 'Poopie')

C is for cry...what I do best. Cry when I'm hungry. Cry when I'm tired. Cry when I have to go to bed. Cry when I have to eat veggies. Cry when buttface gets a toy I want. Cry when butthead won't let me watch my favourite TV show

D is for doodoo...you say doodoo, I say sleep. You say doodoo I say poo. No wonder things get lost in translation

E is for ever and ever...that's how long I'll love you until I turn 13

F is farts...mine, yours, grandpa's and granny's. They always crack me up

G is for grandparents...grammy, granny, gran, granddad, grandpa! Whatever you call them they're wrinkly and squishy and always have presents hidden somewhere

H is for holes...if there's a hole it needs to be filled. A nose hole, an ear hole, a belly button hole

I is for I (the pronoun)...I want, I need, I must have, I like...

J is for jelly...jelly and custard, jelly bowls, jelly sweets, my mom's jelly arms and jelly tummy

K is for know it all...yes at this tender age I already know it all

L is for lullaby...those songs you (try) sing me to sleep with. Off key and out of tune isn't going to work. Save it for the shower

M is for me and mine...similar to the pronoun 'I'. If I see it it's mine. If I like it it's mine. If it's in area anywhere near me it belongs to me

N is for no...no I will not go to bed. No I will not share. No I will not eat broccoli. No I don't want to listen to you right now

O is for 'oh no!'...what mom or dad normally say when I'm caught in the middle of something! 'Oh no! What are you doing?' 'Oh no! I hope that's not permanent ink!'

P is for poop and pee...the more the better

Q is for quite quiet...never completely but sometimes quite quiet. And then you'd better worry (often followed by 'Oh no!')

R is for rules...that have no other use than to be thrown out the window

S is for smile...THAT smile that melts your heart quicker than global warming can melt an iceberg

T is for tantrum...boy oh boy I know how to throw them at the flip of a switch, the click of a finger or a shake of a head

U is for unconditional love...the kind of love you get from me no matter how much you scream and shout, get cross or sad with me

V is for vomit...projectile is best but any kind of vomit gets a great reaction from you

W is for why...why does my willy stick out and my sister's doesn't? Why does daddy have two beards? Why can you say 'sh#t' and I can't?

X is for...x is for...my vocab doesn't stretch that far

Y is for youth...its on my side and I'm gonna use it

Z is for zzzzzz....because you said so xxx